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[October 26th, 2007 / 6:57pm] |
Well, my birthday is coming up soon, but i'm not that thrilled about it this year, i'm not expecting much.
my life has been falling apart lately. i've been to busy for friends, people have been pissing me off, and my friends are turning into people that i don't even want to remember. i'm tired of being stuck near them, they just seem to drag me down. i still have my other friends, but these friends just seem to strike me wrong now, i'd hate to think that I'M the one changing, but i know i must be, and it scares me. i don't like this.
never before have i wanted so badly for people to just dissappear from my life, i wasted two long years with you and ten long years being friends with another, and all i want is them to leave, maybe i'll be the one moving away. i'd still wish them the best in life, as i did share a substantial amount of time with them, but nothing more than that wish would cross my lips, no goodbye, no i love you, nothing.
i think thats the best way it can be. and it scares me.
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[September 12th, 2007 / 8:59pm] |
while i don't usually like to post what i'm listening to, you have to hear this kids voice. yes, he might sound slightly like a prebubescent teenage girl...its a lot better than most americans voice (especially those who insist on embarrassing themselves on American Idol.) okay, i'm done.
long time no update. sorry, i've been busy. i've been spending my time waking up too early for my brain to comprehend, and throwing myself out into the coldest weather yet. (but who doesn't love cold weather?!) i've also been studying up on my html because i feel like it. the rest of my time i spend falling in love with a man i can hardly stand. which makes for interesting conversation.
football game this friday, i'm going to freeze to death. it'll be fun because i'll have my friends to freeze with.
i think this is one of the stupidest and least informative posts ever written in the history of the world. sorry.
as you can tell this was written at hyperspeed so it may seem that i might have been a little hyped during the making of this entry...i do apologize, i'm a bit rushed for time right now.
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[August 7th, 2007 / 11:01am] |
lately i've been having the same dream. it doesn't make a whole lot of sense but for some reason it scares the living sh*t out of me. theres no reason for this dream to scare me, but it does...
the whole thing is just this:
its probably around the 40's. i'm at a movie theater (like i said, not a lot of sense...) with a bunch of other kids and a teacher. we're all around fifteen or sixteen. the main guy, whose name i never learn, is somehow involved with the movie we're watching, and everyone starts beating up on him (i DID say it doesn't make sense didn't i?) so these two men in trenchcoats come up and offer to take him to their house. i have an eerie feeling about them, but the teacher lets them take him. we never see him again
a year or so later, i'm at a softball competition and theres a guy sitting in a tree who keeps catching my eye, he looks sort of familiar, but its hard to catch his face. but then i turn around and he's gone. i never see him again.
a year or two later i'm moving into an apartment, the apartments empty and for some odd reason i decide right then and there to fix my bra so off goes my shirt. (bare with me it doesn't get graphic). i'm fixing my strap when i turn around and theres a guy about the same age as me standing at the top of the stairs looking. he looks sort of upset. i say to him "excuse you" and he just looks down at his shoes and walks away into a door on the right side wall of the hallway/room. the door shuts and for some odd reason i come out of my apartment and reach for the door handle...
then i wake up. but i can't shake the feeling that there was something more that i'm not getting thats going along with this repetative dream. it scares me. it really really scares me.
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[July 24th, 2007 / 12:37pm] |
long time no update. vacations. photos.
whatever happened to canded photos. now everthing is so posed and fake. its as if we try and hide who we actually are. we can't stand to be ourselves because we don't want anyone to know that we're not indestructable. we need to be able to stand above the crowd and be infinitive when most of us will never know the feeling. its like waiting to jump, sooner or later you just have to get over yourself and start living.
i've become such an opinionated person that i can tell you more about what your debating than you think. i've gotten used to hushing up and not sharing my opinion but the time has come for my quietness to stop. i will not be silenced. i'll live my life as i want, with a purpose.
( can you carry the picture with your delicate features? )
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[June 14th, 2007 / 6:58pm] |
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mood |
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Rediscover/Tonic |
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its crazy to think that some of your friends are envied by people, or even copied. i find it strange and hard to wrap my mind around it, you may admire them, but to me, they're dorks.
( i never meant to brag but i got him where i want him now )
this by far has been the worst post i've made in the history of my livejournal account, and i do apologize. don't bother reading it, its completely dull.
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[May 21st, 2007 / 4:40pm] |
one day humanity is going to have to pay for all the things the previous generations have done. We'll be eye-deep in debt for all the hell we've cause, knee deep in blood with all the ones we've killed, and sinking further with each passing second.
we can't control it more than we can control the weather.
i'm loosing faith in humanity
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[May 12th, 2007 / 3:42pm] |
i have a new baby in my "family." my friends seem too young for this, too too young. stop it, your making me lonely. i realize with every baby they have how different things will have to be. i can no longer go out with that person and have as much fun. we're too young to be seeing this happen, we're too young to be settling for this.
( somebody slap me i can't stop laughing, suicide is back in fashion. )
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[May 4th, 2007 / 11:16pm] |
too much drama takes too much energy which takes too much time to admit which makes me think too hard.
i'm so tired of everything. i've been irritable and i apologize.
i've got no one to tell my secrets to because i feel i can honestly trust no one. i can't trust my own family or friends, they always have to stab you in the face, the back would be too modest.
too tired, time for bed. goodnight, sweetdreams, see you in the mo(u)rning.
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[April 26th, 2007 / 8:43pm] |
i left early to walk around downtown in the rain. i sit in the windows of all the cafes and watch it pour. maybe i'm insane. maybe i like the noise. maybe i like the freedom of thinking all alone.
haircut. its suprising how much trimming your hair a few inches will do for you...why do i always fall for the guys i can't have? its like a cheater in a game, i'll never win against the opponent, theres just no chance.
raining raining raining. i've been getting sick of people lately, i can't stand some people a lot.
he never showed up, but he never made that promise, i made it for him. i was only lying to make myself happy. guess that worked well. i'm not sadistic, i'm not emo. i'm not scene. i'm just...me
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[April 22nd, 2007 / 10:57am] |
for someone who's obsessions are so easily found and easily cured, i really don't care. i could spend all my time obsessing over getting my small little fix, but i'm letting it slip. it doesn't bug me much anymore.
i'm tired of all my friends, i'm gaining more of them but more friends equals more drama which equals more painful headaches. i'm about ready to become a hermit. ever had one of those weeks? months?
i don't see them anymore. they came for their spring break and i loved it. we spent monday through thursday forgetting sleep and talking shit. then friday they left and i missed them greatly.
( his eyes remind me of yours )
it will end soon, it has to. its too great.
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[March 11th, 2007 / 8:52pm] |
i keep my fan on in my room year round. yes, it does waste energy, but its much better than listening to the creepy sounds out there. i'd rather have the sound of my fan accompanying me to sleep.
just read 'the sniper' rather short story really. its by a soldier. pretty sad also. in the end, the sniper figures out he's killed his brother. tragic.
tragedies follow me. its honestly true.
my life is like the eyes of a man who is used to seeing death. its dark and dewey outside, with the light from the moon giving it the resignating glow. it's almost eerie, almost, but not quite.
too early for sleep, too late for thought.
regrets don't make a good story, if you regret, make sure no ones going to be reading your life.
i wouldn't change anything for the world. i wouldn't change anything in my power for the world.
i love these kind of days where you feel infinite, like you could float away. but you always end up crashing down. crash and burn, crash and burn, crash and burn. life's too short.
witty responses for retorical questions. this is my life. and i don't want it to change. don't let it change.
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[March 7th, 2007 / 5:23pm] |
we're the kids you dream of being. we're the kids you wish you were. we spark your nightmares, enlighten your minds, and rule the streets you'll never walk. we're the queens of grunge and death metal. we can name more bands and how we know them better, than you ever knew possible.
concert:15 days...woot! can't wait. reunion in 20 days. justin and hilary are going to be back and better than ever, hell yes.
phone bills are insane...i'll never be able to pay this one off. camera's broken, thank god for warranties, i just hope it still lasts...
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[March 2nd, 2007 / 8:30pm] |
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you know what i don't get? why do people shake others when they know for certain their dead? what is it for? you know the person is dead, what is it doing? nothing.
no one remembers how many people died during the holocaust, no one but god. when they say no one can hurt you without your consent, they were wrong. they can hurt you physically, mentally? who knows
death is the honestly that stems the flow of truth. my life is full of truth, with hidden lies and secret meanings.
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[March 1st, 2007 / 8:28pm] |
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hilary is death metal and eddie v. are forever best buds. gay men are the love. and if you know what i'm talking about then your insane.
eyelash curlers and butcher knifes; whats the difference?
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[January 28th, 2007 / 8:42pm] |
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sleep-the dandy warhols |
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i got a new vanity. that was the highlight of my day. everything from then on was downhill.
fighting with family. these fight never last this long. i feel alone.
i love the human beings ability to walk into your life and screw everything up. thank you so much. my head was so much clearer until you. your like a disease, i try and forget you but you always find a way back to my thoughts.
depressed. i need sleep. or a cry.
i missed nexus today. i missed seing you. i don't miss him.
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[January 16th, 2007 / 9:50pm] |
a real friend will look through photo albums with you and when seeing an embarassing picture of you. will laugh, in full confidence of the fact that, you being their friend, won't care, you'll be laughing just as hard, maybe harder. a real friend is the kind of person you trust with the truth. they can see through all your bullshit. and thats what you always appreciate about them.
count your blessings daily! never forget what all other people have given just to be there for you. my friends are the best, and i fully know that.
don't tell how e-famous/famous you are by how many friends you have. count it by how many fakers claim your name. the road to happyness is short as long as you don't care where you end up. you don't need a map, tons of money, or famous friends. all you need is the people that make you happy. by the time you look. you'll notice your already happy.
the road is better left untraveled. bullshit. try everything at least once. twice if your brave. do things your parents dont want you to. rebel. thats what you do when your young. rebel! beat your own drum until it breaks. then steal another and start a new song. lead your own parade.
words of inspiration are often copied. words of wisdom, often said. words of truth, often forgotten. remember these, they are all three.
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[January 15th, 2007 / 5:53pm] |
things are complicated. she likes him, he likes me, he likes her? he likes me more than i like him. i like his friend. i'm so confused my head might implode. i don't know. lucid dreams are becoming too detailed and painful.
i'm afraid of what my head has been hiding from me. i'm afraid of the pain i cause. i'm afraid to notice any difference between this peace and war that has been subsiding in my head. i'm afraid of being scared.
lets get drunk. you can drive us to the harbor. wish upon a star but do you know what stars are. balls of fire. burning up the black space. falling from the landscape. exploding in the face of god.
i'm tired of these guys that find me replacable. i'm not. i'm not the girl you think about. i'm tired of these wussy guys wringing their hands and thinking too hard. i ask you a question, don't take too long to answer it, you may loose your opportunity.
( i'm so tired of days that feel like the nights )
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[December 24th, 2006 / 1:47am] |
its almost 2 in the morning x-mas eve. we already opened presents. long car ride to the house's of relatives i don't speak to frequently.
i'm exhausted. i won't sleep. i think i fucked things up. i think i shouldn't have sent that e-mail.
i love how i always get sick right before a holiday. sucks. no more sick days. time to be healthy.
time to be happy.
merry x-mas and happy new year.
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[December 22nd, 2006 / 9:44pm] |
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confused. upset. anxious. |
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something corporate |
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so i'm sitting in the theater, everythings going fine, i have a great time, i'm out with my friends, and yet, i'm depressed.
they claim women are confusing. they don't know the half of it. everytime i'm sitting there, a million things are going through my mind. and at the end of all that time, i'm exhausted from worrying if it'll work out or not. if my life will be what i want. anxiety.
i guess i'm just so unique. i look at a portrait, and i think of things people wouldn't. i look at old portraits and think "that person is someones daughter, mother, sister, aunt, grandmother, ancestor. whats her story. what was her life like? was she happy? did she worry? did she want everything, but get nothing? or was luck on her side?"
inspired.
i'm going to sleep now. zzz.
( if you could only see )
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